Op-ed: Behind the Hijab: A Page From The Journal Of A Female Muslim Physician

It’s 9a.m. on a Monday in the clinic where I practice. I knock on the door of the exam room where a ‘new’ patient is roomed, waiting to see me.

Yes, it’s just another day in the life of a Muslim female physician.

I prepare myself for whatever is next. Warm smiles, doubt, or just plain old curiosity?

Long nights and those 24-hour calls are still vivid in my memory when I paced down the hospital hallways. As I may suddenly have to rush out of the call room to check on a patient. So that’s one occasion when you do, actually, sleep with your hijab on!

I have spent about 15 years in the US practicing medicine as a female Muslim physician. During this time period, I have created multiple strategies and worn various armors to face the unknown.

My choice to wear the hijab has held me tight every day like a mother supporting her child on their first day of school.

Why? Because I am someone who chose to not be in the masquerade parade of hidden identities.

Weaved by the beautiful threads of hijab, are many stories of resilience and transformation. Stories of renaissance.

From being asked, how did you end up here? To the casual display of sympathy over the sad state of affairs linked to Islamophobia. While totally overseeing the innocent lives being taken at the hands of gun violence right here in our land.

My patient encounters often will start or end with the repetitive echo of those familiar words: ‘So where are you from?’ reminding me: I do not belong.

I gently comforted myself with sprinkles of reassurance with this popular opinion: ‘It is only curiosity and nothing else.’But on many days, I genuinely felt confused.

It was like fighting to stand tall for an identity. Identity, which should have been carved by knowledge, skills, competence, and compassion. But kept getting fogged up by a small piece of fabric.

I would go through undulating waves of perseverance, vulnerability, self-doubt, confidence—all in a flash of a few seconds, every single day. I often found myself lost in these questions I was being asked, which made me question myself.

So today I ponder over how has the equation changed? If it has.

Despite everything, I am extremely grateful to the people around me. Living here in this small quiet town of New England has been a very insightful voyage, to say the least.

I am blessed to have built many new bridges over these years—connections with women, who have joined me in this unseen bond of sisterhood.

For those who had never worn or seen anyone wearing a hijab in real life before, I shared nothing with them in the context of culture, values, choices, yet they honored me for who I am.

I will forever cherish my women leaders and colleagues at work who checked in on me on days I felt part broken and part enraged.

On days when I was trying to find my WHY, they boosted my morale to help me stay connected with my oath of helping others, no matter what.

I often think fondly of the local estheticians and hairdressers who gave me special privacy where no such concepts existed before.

Thanks to the women who totally ignored me as something ‘unique’ because honestly that brought a sense of belonging.

Thanks to the teacher of my then third grader who fully supported her in bringing and wearing a hijab to school if and whenever she wanted to. This meant so much to me in that moment and until today.

Last, but not the least, I will never forget being taken care of as a patient at the same place where I am also the caregiver, the way my preferences were kept sacred and valued in the most vulnerable states.

These empowering experiences have built me up to where I am today.

To the girls who have just begun to enter this journey or contemplating to do so, I have a few things to say: aim to honor yourself through your own eyes first and know your intentions
well, behind this way of living. Embrace your true beauty. Wear your hijab like an armor which shines in this dark world of filtered beauty and fake existence, it reflects the light in your eyes—the light which is fueled by your dreams, visions and talent. It is not just a choice we make every day, it is part of a bigger promise.

With many steps back and many more forward, I can now look beyond the desire to blend in, because I was meant to stand out.

I was not created to be invisible. I was created to be known.